‘Twas the daze before Christmas
With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore and the entire human race
On the day before Christmas and all through the night,
Kids were told by the millions that Jesus was white.
The stockings were hung like tubes of bologna;
Purell sat nearby, to fight off the Rona.
For our two darling toddlers and our small smelly pup,
We prayed that St. Nicholas was not belly up.
With Ma on her Xanax and me more than tipsy,
We swore we saw God — or maybe Poughkeepsie.
From out on the lawn came a thunderous boom,
I swore to myself, “Next year we’ll do Zoom!”
I gazed out the window and saw some big dude,
Then yelled to the wife, “Thank God he’s not nude!”
I thought to myself as he trod through the snow,
“What the hell am I seeing? This ain’t Buffalo.”
Then the booze started fading and all became clear:
’Twas a miniature sleigh with a six pack of beer.
Then a rosy-cheeked guy with a whip made me pause.
A spoiler alert: Yeah, it’s him! Santa Claus!
He whistled and shouted and called them by name,
But something about them just wasn’t the same.
“Hey Rachel! Hey Chandler! Where’s Ross and Monica?”
“They’re off lighting candles. Remember, it’s Hanukkah.”
“So all we’ve got left are Phoebe and Joey?”
“Just chill, Mr. Claus, it ain’t all that snowy.”
I shut off the fire so our jolly old elf
Wouldn’t end up making an ash of himself.
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a cough.
I offered to help, but he just laughed it off.
“It’s easier now, my stops aren’t so many.
So pull up a chair and pour me a Henny.
“I can’t sneak around — there’s too many cameras on,
So all Santa’s elves now moonlight for Amazon.
“The reindeer retired; our bots give us energy.
We even do Kwanzaa, for gift-giving synergy.
“Kids share the joy, but adults are so greedy,
‘What Would Jesus Do?’ Try this: Help the needy!
“Some techies last year even asked me for crypto.
It crumbled like Mayans in ‘Apocalypto.’
“I gave Biden Scrabble, but Trump just got Yahtzee.
Ol’ Orange Hair was angry — he wanted a Nazi.”
“Are you OK, Santa? You seem kinda low.”
“Don’t worry, dear buddy. I still have my ho.”
“I see kids in awe when they sit on my lap,
But so many grownups just want to spew crap.
“Don’t let fools use me when they want to divide us.
Share the spirit of love that’s always inside us.
“For Dasher and Dancer and Comet and Cupid,
Tell the Grinch to buzz off and ignore the stupid.”
“Be careful,” he said as he closed up his sack,
“Elon runs Twitter like a hamster on crack.”
Then laying his finger aside of his nose,
Nick sprang up the chimney with two other hos.
“If you’re naughty,” he said, “you must make amends.
For a life filled with joy, just find the right friends.”
Then I heard him exclaim as he let out a sneeze,
“Merry Christmas to all — now be tolerant, please!”
Murphy Slaw
Something old: You can even teach an old pen new tricks.
Something new: This preview for a Barbie movie might just appeal to Stanley Kubrick fans. Or not.
Something borrowed: If you could use a little holiday magic, maybe this will do the trick.
Something blue: Farewell, World Cup. Hello, mental health.