Finding the person of your realities
You don’t have to scour the Earth, but you might need to search your soul
There’s a line that keeps sticking in my head, so now I’m going to stick it to you: Stop looking for the person of your dreams and find the person of your realities.
This isn’t dating advice. Not really. Would dating advice take you down a wormhole that includes the unlikely foursome of Glennon Doyle, Josh Waitzkin, Lia Huynh and Rick Nelson?
If you don’t want your quest for Don Juan to end up with Don Yawn, you need to know who you’re really looking for, and you probably don’t — even if you think you do. So let’s start with “Searching for Bobby Fischer.”
It’s a great 1993 film based on the early life of Josh Waitzkin, a chess prodigy who also loves normal-kid stuff. His parents nudge him along without being pushy, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t moments of tension if he underachieves.
Still, there’s never the feeling that Waitzkin’s parents are trying to live their lives through him. He doesn’t have to be the person of their dreams by sacrificing his realities.
Other scripts aren’t so tidy. Lia Hunyh said she has seen parental and cultural pressures make teens sick. In a Chronicle column I wrote about anxiety and depression, the therapist said that when parents sacrifice a lot, such as immigrants coming to America, children often pressure themselves to succeed in order to pay them back.
There’s another trap: When you want your child to have a great life — whether you’ve struggled out of poverty or have been rich for generations — it easy to define “great” by your standards, not theirs. Not everyone wants to be a doctor or lawyer, or shares your passion for the family business.
In “Untamed,” Glennon Doyle describes how she pushed herself to meet society’s expectations, winding up as an adoring mom of three with an adulterous husband.
“I spent sixteen years with my head in a toilet trying to be light,” she writes. “I drank myself numb for a decade, trying to be pleasant. I’ve giggled at and slept with assholes, trying to be touchable. I’ve held my tongue so hard I tasted blood, trying to be gentle. I’ve spent thousands on potions and poisons, trying to be youthful. I have denied myself for decades, trying to be pure.”
Doyle married retired soccer star Abby Wambach five years ago, and they seem to be living happily ever after. Wambach joins her on this podcast and tells a wonderful story around the 24-minute mark about what stepdaughter Tish Melton said when asked, “Who has taught you the most about love?”
We all talk about finding our soulmates, but often the person of your realities is simply someone you love, someone you want to share your life with, in a relationship that clicks a lot more often than it squeaks. Doyle and Wambach found that in each other, and it sounds like Wambach and Tish did, too.
But maybe before all that happened, Doyle connected with an even more important person of her realities: Herself.
Have you?
Waitzkin never came close to being the next Bobby Fischer, and probably never wanted to be. He had different realities to pursue. Besides, it doesn’t seem like the real Fischer had that joyous of a life anyway. Sometimes people who gain fame and fortune never find the person of their realities, either.
Speaking of fame and fortune, Wikipedia says that the phrase “teen idol” was coined to describe Rick Nelson. He had tons of hits from 1957 through 1962, but might be best known these days for a line from his last hit, 1972’s bittersweet “Garden Party,” about how people booed during his performance at Madison Square Garden.
But it’s all right now
I learned my lesson well
You see, you can’t please everyone
So you got to please yourself
Listen to him, and learn from Doyle. Sometimes it might feel like you can’t please yourself with all the emotional vibrators in the world, but don’t give up. The person of your realities is out there waiting, maybe even staring back at you.
Murphy Slaw
Something old: Jim Croce died almost 50 years ago, but his songs live on. Thankfully, so do the Muppets.
Something new: Surely if you’re past a certain age you know who Shirley Temple was, and probably even had a drink in her name. But what about a Dirty Shirley? It just might be the drink of the summer, the New York Times says. Add some bright red grenadine and a maraschino cherry to a Sprite, then add the not-so-secret ingredient: vodka.
Something borrowed: So the two most adopted baby names over the last five years were Isaac and Chloe, but don’t look for some deep societal cause. Look for sleep-deprived parents. You know the two most-changed names in that period? Issac and Chole.
Something blue: Yes, this short Twitter thread is blue, but it’s a really lovely shade.
Wow, Rick Nelson looks so young in that video and it was just a few months before he died. One of my crushes growing up. Rachel just ordered a "dirty Shirley" the other night and I hadn't heard of it before. I guess the bartender hadn't really either because Rachel said she didn't make it right - LOL. Nice article.
Thanks. I should have just asked you about the Dirty Shirley. LOL