Impostor syndrome’s sweet little secret
Once you know it, you’ll appreciate a whole lot more
“When I first started acting, probably for the first 10 years, I literally on the first day would shake so terribly that I was sure you could see it on film,” an actress told the Los Angeles Times. “Fortunately, you couldn’t. I don’t shake anymore, but I still have those jitters. I still think the first week of shooting I’m going to be fired and replaced.”
“This idea of the impostor syndrome, it’s real with every actor,” an Oscar winner said in a separate Times article. “Because to be successful at any level in this industry means that you’re beating such huge odds.”
So if you’re a 25-year-old overachiever who won’t listen when your parents, friends and mentors tell you how great you are, maybe you’ll listen to Michelle Pfeiffer and George Clooney. There’s a word that describes the insecurity you feel.
Normal.
If you’re the only person your age or race or sex to reach a certain level, you might sit at a table and see all these people in their 30s and 40s who are so smart and so charismatic and seem to have solved all of life’s mysteries, and you wonder how you’ll fit in. You certainly don’t want to come across as arrogant or clueless or immature.
But don’t run from it. Sometimes insecurity is that sweet spot between overconfidence and apathy. Embrace it. One human frailty is nitpicking the crap out of our successes until we find something to worry about.
Learn from Michelle Obama. Use it as fuel. “I still feel that at some level I have something to prove because of the color of my skin, because of the shape of my body, because of who knows how people are judging me.”
Try to find someone you can be vulnerable with, preferably a friend you don’t see every day — or sleep with. This trip doesn’t require a full set of emotional baggage.
If you’re the one who gets asked for help, realize that your friend craves reassurance, but also candor. It’s perfectly fine to say, “No, I don’t think kissing your boss on the mouth would be a smart career strategy.”
Make sure you’re on the same wavelength. Consider these two versions of one of the most widely recorded songs ever, “You’ll Never Walk Alone.”
Here it is from Aretha Franklin:
And here’s the Dropkick Murphys:
If they tried to mimic each other’s versions, it would be just a song — or a mess. It wouldn’t be them. You want to make sure your friend/mentor/therapist helps you sculpt a better version of yourself, not jams you into some mold.
My impostor syndrome went on hiatus in my late 40s. It wasn’t that I didn’t care about work, I just didn’t care about work. The passion had gone.
It came back a dozen years later, because of an intern and another colleague, then a bunch more. I felt passionate about writing something, even if it never got published. (You’ll see it in a minute.)
I showed it to a great friend who didn’t know my colleagues, and would tell me if I was making a bigger ass of myself than usual. But he didn’t.
He helped me refine it, then I sent the draft to the (now former) intern, because she needed to know how much she changed my life. I was 90% sure she’d veto the whole thing because it was too personal or too embarrassing, or maybe she’d just realize that she had an impostor before her. But she didn’t.
That leads me to the one thing that nobody tells you: Impostor syndrome has a little secret, and it’s kind of wonderful.
One day you might sit at a table and see all these people in their 30s and 40s who are so smart and so charismatic and seem to have solved all of life’s mysteries, and you wonder how you’ll fit in. You certainly don’t want to come across as stubborn or out of touch or … or … or …
Old.
If you’re in a certain demographic (ahem, older white guy), you might glance around that table and realize that no one looks like you. That’s when something that you’ve understood intellectually finally becomes visceral: This is the lens that women and people of color have had to look through for generations, and often felt powerless to change.
Lots of people in the (ahem) demographic don’t want to share their table. We see them in a battle with gays and lesbians and people of color, but they’re really in a war with their own insecurity. They’re impostors, too. They just don’t see it.
So, every once in a while, welcome impostor syndrome like an old friend. Because it pushes you to be better. Because it helps you appreciate how much you’ve achieved. Because it lets you look across the table at a brilliant 25-year-old with empathy instead of fear.
Murphy Slaw
Something old: In a New York Times piece, “The Lies Hollywood Tells About Little Girls,” Mara Wilson describes how Hollywood and the media shaped her image as a child actress, and how she grew to empathize with Britney Spears. Wilson was a child star in such films as “Matilda,” “Mrs. Doubtfire” and the remake of “Miracle on 34th Street” — all very wholesome roles — but still felt sexualized.
“It was cute when 10-year-olds sent me letters saying they were in love with me,” she writes. “It was not when 50-year-old men did.”
Something new: “The World’s a Little Blurry,” a documentary about singer Billie Eilish, arguably the hottest singer today, is upbeat without being fluff. It shows how hard it is to be so successful as a teenager, and how important supportive people are (in this case, her family). Eilish is also candid about her own mental health struggles, and her emotionally raw lyrics are a big reason she connects so well with fans.
“To have a song that is describing exactly how you feel is just the best feeling in the world,” she says. “It makes you feel comforted — it makes you feel like you’re not alone.”
Something borrowed: Love this tweet from journalist and educator J.A. Adande, and the column it points to. It doesn’t apply to just sports, of course.
Something blue: One great thing about the YouTube era is getting to share in someone else’s joy. Here “Young and the Restless” actress Sasha Calle gets some news about a blue outfit that just might change her life.
Great Dave! I struggle with imposter syndrome sometimes as I am trying to develop my craft business. Who needs another scrapbooker, right? But, I have something that other people don't have...ME! Loving your articles. Shared on FB. :)