Parenting lessons can come from the unlikeliest of sources. Like, say, the lead singer of Nine Inch Nails. In an interview on the Song Exploder podcast, Trent Reznor describes what he and longtime collaborator Atticus Ross do as they create a song.
And, more importantly, what they don’t do.
“When inspiration hits and you get that thing that feels exciting, let’s — as fast as we can — see where it leads until it goes away,” he says. “There’s plenty of time to bring out the ‘it sucks’ hammer. Let’s not overthink things at the beginning of a creative flow.”
If you’re a parent or a mentor, the “it sucks” hammer might be the most dangerous tool you have. Use it with extreme caution.
We say things as absolutes when they’re really not. Take something as basic as “I would never want my child to get hurt.”
Yeah, you would. Honest.
Toddlers fall and cry as they learn to walk, but parental memories of those first steps will last a lifetime. Riding a bicycle usually involves a few bruises. So does falling in love.
As an adult, you realize that the pain is worth it if it enriches your life. But children who constantly hear “be careful” don’t have that context, so they might become paranoid adults.
Sure, there are absolutes — Don’t put your hand in the fire, Look both ways before crossing the street, Don’t paint the cat blue — but one of the greatest gifts of youth is an abundance of energy. You want to help them focus that energy, not kill it.
When you critique a child or protégé, think of these words from actor John Cleese: “The really good idea is always traceable back … a long way, often to a not very good idea which sparked off another idea that was only slightly better, which somebody else misunderstood in such a way that they then said something which was really rather interesting.”
If they have a weak idea, lead them along with questions to make sure there’s nothing you’re missing. “What steps do you need to accomplish this?” “How much time and money will it take?” “Is there a simpler way?” Ask things like “have you tried ...” or “would it be better …” or “what about adding ....”
Be an ally, not an obstacle. Some ideas deserve the “it sucks” hammer, but let them wield it, not you.
Resist the urge to nitpick, particularly in the early stages. I’ve seen writers and editors limit their creativity because of something a teacher told them before they hit puberty: Write in complete sentences, don’t start a sentence with “and” or “but,” don’t end one with a preposition. And so on.
A rule of thumb became a rule of oppression.
Even world-class artists can have fragile egos, living in fear that their next book or movie or painting will expose just what a fraud they really are. So be gentle.
Learn from workplace books like “The One Minute Manager”: Catch people doing something right. Even an awful song can have a memorable lyric. Find it.
One day the adviser of our high school newspaper, Leslie Lafayette, read the first paragraphs of several of our stories aloud, then said those ledes were good enough to be in the San Francisco Chronicle.
All she really did, I guess, was point out the obvious: Even if most high school students aren’t good enough to write full stories for the Chronicle or New York Times, many paragraphs would certainly fit right in.
But since we’re pointing out the obvious: Getting sincere praise from someone you respect is one of life’s greatest gifts, especially when you’re young and insecure and just trying to find your way,
Maybe your words will last a lifetime, maybe they won’t. But your gesture will.
Murphy Slaw
In honor of all the weddings we’ve missed in the last year (and because I’m not too proud to use a cheap gimmick), I’m ending my columns with something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue — four short, unrelated items as a change of pace, or maybe an oasis if my main topic bores the crap out of you. If they don’t work, we can always take out the “it sucks” hammer.
Here goes:
Something old: If the “Framing Britney Spears” documentary got your attention, watch this 2007 monologue from Craig Ferguson on “The Late Late Show.” Instead of ridiculing her, he recalled his own mental health struggles. Sometimes life is brutal, no matter how beautiful or rich or famous you are.
Something new: “as the creator of Emily in Paris,” Abby Govindan tweeted, “can I just say.......why the fuck were we nominated for a Golden Globe LOL I made that show as a prank.”
Govindan has nothing to do with “Emily in Paris,” of course. She’s a comedian who was just having fun with a running gag. But some media aggregators were gullible enough to run her tweets as fact. More proof that if you believe everything you read these days, the joke’s on you.
Something borrowed: As Valentine’s week wraps up, here’s a joke my friend Shwanika Narayan got from a source:
2 elderly couples hang out once a month — women in the kitchen, men in the living room.
Sal says to Abe, “We went to a nice restaurant last week. The food was great, the staff was friendly, the prices were reasonable, and there’s free parking.”
“Wow! What’s the name of the place?”
“I can’t remember,” Sal says. He thinks for a minute and says to Abe, “What do you call the flower with the thorns and the nice smell?”
“A rose?”
“That’s the one!” Sal says, then he shouts to his wife in the kitchen: “ROSE! What’s the name of that restaurant we went to last week?”
Something blue: Yeah, Constance Wu’s character is in blue here, but I’m mainly using this as an excuse to bring you Kina Grannis’ version of my favorite Elvis Presley song.
Here’s Elvis’ version (from, ahem, “Blue Hawaii”):
One of our biggest flaws in generational relationships is our compulsion with comparing athletes and entertainers with those from the past, rather than appreciating their greatness as it happens.
In this case, the world is wide enough to savor both versions. Please do.