Brother, can you spare the time?

Offering two cents on parental paradigms

A man has three kids. His sister (Loyal Aunt) is about to celebrate her only child’s first birthday. He and one child will be there, but his wife won’t because their 13-year-old son has a soccer game.

“Am I wrong in expecting that a first birthday party is more important than a regular game?” their grandparent asks Washington Post columnist Carolyn Hax. “My family is close, and it appears my son is letting his wife off the hook by not expecting her to share in a family event that is important to his sister. My daughter has let him know she is pretty upset and hurt.”

If you can’t relate to the family drama — and since we’ve already brought up one of Donald Trump’s favorite characters — let’s see if politics offers a better prism. I wrote this section last week, not knowing how the election between Kamala Harris and Trump would turn out. Here are four statements, 25 words each:

• Harris is a compassionate, sane person who will fight to help all of us — not just rich white men. She will bring the country together.

• Trump gets things done. If I’m in a battle, I want him on my side. He understands how hard it is for people like me.

• Harris got nominated because Joe Biden has dementia, not because people wanted her. She hasn’t proven she’s a leader. America shouldn’t be her guinea pig.

• Trump is a demented, sociopathic fascist who loves bullying people. If it furthered his agenda, he would start a war — even within the United States.

You probably disagree with two of the statements. So do I. But I bet you can find at least one aspect of each statement that you agree with, if you take a step back and look at things with an open mind. Maybe even do a little role playing. That’s what Grandparent needs to do.

“You could have stopped your letter at ‘Am I wrong in expecting,’ Hax replied. “Yes. You are wrong in expecting. When you expect, you assume your values are the only values and impose them on your adult children.”

My overpriced two cents: In the grand scheme of things, a first birthday is more important than a soccer game. In the grander scheme of things, I’ve got more big buts than a Sir Mix-a-Lot marathon:

• The 1-year-old won’t even notice the absences. Did you take roll at your first birthday party?

• The teen might face pressure or scorn from coaches, teammates and friends. Therapists, start your engines.

• A disgruntled 13-year-old might not be an ideal party guest. The parents of a disgruntled 13-year-old might not be, either.

• If the adult children are close (I have my doubts), they’ll settle things like adults — not turn their children into collateral damage.

Maybe they should have a family movie night and watch “Bend It Like Beckham,” a 2002 film about a London teenager who plays soccer over her parents’ objections. She has a championship match the same day as her sister’s wedding, misses the first half in obvious misery, then her dad — a Punjabi Sikh with old wounds from sports and society — gives her his blessing to sneak out (it’s a long, huge wedding).

“When those bloody English cricket players threw me out of their club like a dog, I never complained,” he told the family later. “On the contrary, I vowed that I will never play again. Who suffered? Me. But I don’t want Jessie to suffer. I don’t want her to make the same mistakes that her father made of accepting life, accepting situations. I want her to fight. And I want her to win.”

Sometimes the real world isn’t as kind to daughters of South Asian immigrants. No matter how hard they fight, no matter how many parental blessings they receive, they might lose to the Hannibal Lecters.

Like Grandparent, we need to realize that others don’t always share our values. When a panacea turns into a pandemic, our orneriness makes it onerous.

Even the things that comfort us — long-term relationships, cultural traditions, a sane president — might change for reasons beyond our control. Relationships fade as life gets more complicated, more often because of a drift than a rift.

I’m guessing that Grandparent’s adult children have been drifting apart for years. Maybe since the son got married. Or had a child. Or had another child. Or Loyal Aunt got married. Or one of them moved. Or changed jobs.

Or stopped trying.

I’m not religious, but I worship good anecdotes. Like the believer who notices two sets of footprints in the sand (theirs and god’s), but saw that there was only one set in tough times. “That’s when I was carrying you,” god said.

Mortals have to carry relationships, too. Loyal Aunt probably did a lot of that as her brother’s family grew, and now it feels like all she’s getting back is quid amateur quo.

It’s unfair as hell. And also perfectly logical.

If you’re a parent and you have two choices:

A. Piss off your teenager

B. DO ANYTHING ELSE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!

I’m guessing you’ll choose B. Just a hunch.

We can all probably see a bit of ourselves in Loyal Aunt, giving more than we get back, whether it’s an unrequited love, an unrewarding job, an unresponsive friend. If we’re lucky, it all balances out. If we’re really lucky, we realize that the giving is what matters most of all.

In soccer and in elections, we need to keep score. But if you’re doing it in relationships, you’ve already lost.

Murphy Slaw 

Something old: Misty Copeland just posted this on Instagram on Wednesday, echoing a sentiment from an earlier time.

Something new: For all I know, this is an old tweet, but it’s a new insight for a lot of us. A few newspaper readers fit into this category, too.

Something borrowed: The Washington Post created a tool to let you know the climate risk in your county from things like heat, flooding and hurricanes. For those in the Bay Area: No, it does not include earthquakes. For those in the Northeast: It also doesn’t include freezing your ass off.

Something blue: If you’re troubled and desperately need perspective, try this.