Conquering shyness (I think. Maybe)
It was so easy! All it took was two incredibly intimidating steps!
Before I became an idiot in public, I was a tennis player.
Here’s an Instagram video of one of my early matches:
I was a lot thinner in high school. A lot shyer, too. Not as hideously shy as I had been in junior high, thankfully, but certainly magna cum laude at Shyness U.
You could blame the whole thing on teen angst, I suppose, but author Susan RoAne points to research that says 90% of American adults self-identify as being shy. A friend of mine wrote about how she suggested for various reasons that she and her husband should have only eight guests at their wedding. She said her husband, a “closet introvert,” welcomed the idea.
Based on those two words, I think her husband and I must be related. Just him, me and 100 million family members. Thanksgiving dinners are really something, with each of us disappearing into their own corner, listening to Alessia Cara sing “Here.”
I’m sorry if I seem uninterested
Or I’m not listenin’ or I’m indifferent
Truly I ain’t got no business here
But being an introvert is way different from being overwhelmed by shyness, which lots of people are, even if it’s not extreme enough to qualify as social anxiety disorder. That’s how I was in my early teens, and it could have led to a life of loneliness and missed opportunities.
I’m still more gunshy than an unshy fun guy, but three things helped me make a lot of progress. Maybe they can help someone you know.
Have a persona. Lots of actors are shy, but they appear before millions of people. Unlike us party-cringers, they do have some business here: to entertain us. That gives them a hall pass to get around their initial shyness, and often makes them bolder in the rest of their lives.
Two of the most agonizing steps of my life were shyness-related. The first was just before my senior year in high school, when I needed a couple of electives to stay eligible for the tennis team. I signed up for the student newspaper, even though I wasn’t much of a writer — or reader, other than about sports.
This was the year “The Exorcist” came out. I blame demonic possession.
In my math geek mind, second thoughts kept multiplying. But one of my best friends was in the class, so I tried it. Our adviser gave me encouragement and the chance to write about sports, but the work gave me something much greater: a persona of my very own, with an excuse to start conversations.
The next year, a college class assignment gave me 100 slips of paper, each listing a personality trait or sentiment, like “I am happy,” “I am worthless,” I am fun at parties,” “I am humble.” And, of course, “I am shy.” We were supposed to rank them on how they applied to us, then have a friend rank them for us.
In a case of demonic repossession, I guess, I asked two friends to do it: a guy I grew up with and a female colleague from our college newspaper. He put “I am shy” in my top 10; she put it in the middle of the pack. My persona was working.
I know now that tons of journalists are shy, but the job provides the psychological cover to talk with famous people and pose for photos on Instagram and come across as experts on all sorts of topics.
If your job doesn’t include persona protection, look for people who share your passion for something. Maybe you’re too shy to discuss your diehard fandom of Dungeons & Dragons or “PEN15” or Lil Nas X with real-live people, but you can find plenty online. You might have to navigate your way past trolls and paranoid souls, but it will be worth it.
As the persona gets stronger, share more of yourself and see what happens. Trust me: You’ll be less scared and awkward than a 16-year-old joining a student newspaper.
Take a risk. If you go way outside your comfort zone, give yourself a huge reward. I’m not suggesting you buy a yacht for singing karaoke at a party or something, but at least reward yourself for trying. Even if you fail spectacularly, you’ll get something nice out of the deal.
That leads to my second shyness-related agonizing step. By my mid-20s, I knew that I wanted to travel internationally — and that I might never find a soulmate to join me. International travel was far less common back then, so I settled for a Caribbean cruise, world travel with training wheels.
But I lost my nerve. When you’re shy, you feel like all your flaws and insecurities are in the spotlight, that everyone stares at people who are — gasp! — all by themselves, and you standing out will just add to your legacy of awkwardness. That’s crap, of course, but your demons play off of that and stop you from enjoying life the way you should.
My stubbornness, however, offered a powerful yin to my shy yang. OK, it said: Let’s raise the stakes. We’ll do a different cruise. Maybe you’ll meet no one, feel lonely and spend hours and hours with A Good Book, but we’ll also tour Singapore and Hong Kong and Japan, and walk along the Great Fucking Wall of China. Deal?
You know, yang replied, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.
The places were wonderful, of course, but I also found joy in meeting people and sharing the experience together. I didn’t make any lifelong friends, but have plenty of lifelong memories.
That journey led to others — to Europe, South America, the Middle East, Australia — but mostly it led to more confidence. I can do this. More confidence led to better jobs and deeper friendships and maybe even to my soulmate, less than a mile from my own front door.
Yeah, that proverbial journey of a thousand miles does begin with a single step, but the next million are damn hard, too. Make them worth it.
Choose a family. Sometimes your heart and soul belong in a different place than your flesh and blood, a place where you can be you — a new job, a new city, a new lifestyle. That 16-year-old, painfully shy tennis player led me to my family in journalism, where I fit in and found friends and found myself, where lots of the shyness melted away.
Lots of people find their families through their careers or some high school or college activity, but if you’re way past that and still feel like an orphan, don’t give up. That journey of a thousand miles can begin with something as simple as a Slack message: “I’m grabbing coffee in a few minutes. Anybody want to join me?”
We’ve all encountered phonies who say “let’s grab coffee soon,” where “soon” really means “the seventh Friday in January,” but if you let that turn you into a cynic, you’re cheating yourself — and maybe looking past a potential family member, the one who says “Anybody want to join me?” because that’s all the vulnerability they can endure.
I’ve added at least a couple of wonderful family members in recent years because we nudged each other along. No, I’m not too busy. It’s not a problem at all. Yes, I’d love to have coffee.
So the next time you see some vulnerable soul making an effort, for god’s sake return their damn serve. You might change a life. Or two.
Murphy Slaw
Something old: This New York Times story explains why exercise is more important than weight loss, also obviously it’s better to do both.
Something new: If you’re ever tempted to settle for something “fine” — an employer who doesn’t value you, an other who doesn’t deserve significance — listen to Roy Kent from “Ted Lasso.”
Something borrowed: I’m not sure if this involves a crocodile and a recycling bin or an alligator and trash can. Whatever. It’s a fun video.
Something blue: As I said last week, I fell and broke my hip. I’m fine and my energy is getting better, but I’m nowhere near full strength, so I'm temporarily cutting the column back to every other week. If you’re going to do a half-assed job, I guess a broken hip is the perfect excuse. See you in two weeks.
Hey Dave, hope the hip is progressing smoothly. Certainly not a good time to have to deal with doctors and hospitals (as if there ever is a good time). I had no idea I was an introvert until about 10 years ago when I first took the Myers Briggs personality test. It explained so many things once I found out. I think I may use my scrapbooking and crafting as my "persona" to help me deal with it. I hate being in crowds or at parties but if I can talk about or show my crafts like at the holiday boutiques, get out of my way - LOL. Again, rapid healing to you. Janet