One of my favorite podcast series has a segment when the two hosts speculate about a dead celebrity’s control-Z moment — something the person did that maybe they wished they could have undone.
They could be life altering, like the wrong career choice or a bad marriage, or some words you wish you could take back, like comedian Bob Saget making a tasteless joke about his newborn daughter.
We all probably have had at least a dozen control-Z moments, big and small, even if we chose the right place to live, the right career, the right loved ones. My worst ones came as a teenager of an alcoholic mother, wishing years later that I could have undone some of the things I said, wishing I would have appreciated how hard it is for addicts to hit control-Z all by themselves.
Aspire to handle your control-Z with the aplomb of Ayo Edebiri. In a 2020 episode of the Scam Goddess podcast — long before she made it big on “The Bear” — Edebiri said that Jennifer Lopez’s career was “one long scam,” with Lopez rarely singing on most of her tracks.
Flash forward four years and Edebiri is hosting “Saturday Night Live” — with musical guest Jennifer Lopez. Edebiri apologized, JLo accepted it and they moved on. “SNL” even played off it with this skit on internet indiscretions.
One smaller control-Z of mine involved social media, thinking I knew a casual friend better than I did because of seeing their posts. This is obvious but easy to overlook: Someone posting about their vacation lacks the intimacy — and often the honesty — of them sitting down and describing it to you in person.
When you follow someone on social media, even someone you know, what you’re seeing is a persona, not a person. Often they’re casting their adventures, and maybe even themselves, in the best possible light.
This doesn’t apply to my control-Z, but sometimes seeing those posts can lead to envy or resentment. If that happens to you, consider this quote from Carrie Fisher on another Famous & Gravy podcast: “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
The podcasters describe what they hope happens with celebrities, and with all of us: “Did they climb the upward staircase?” becoming better people as they moved along. This clip from “Ted Lasso” hits the same note, offering a lesson to the perpetually gruff Roy Kent.
Reflecting on control-Z moments can improve your life, as long as you focus on learning rather than self-flagellation. But you know what can help even more? Control-Y moments — essentially repeating things we’ve done before. We’ve all had dozens of these, big and small, from frequently ordering a particular dish at a favorite restaurant to waking up with the same person each morning.
And, as with control-Z, there’s the potential for disaster. If you fall in and out of love with someone, you might learn that you don’t fit with people who are possessive or cynical or indecisive. So if your control-Z tells you to be more selective, that’s great. But if it tells you to never fall in love again, that’s dangerous.
Overdoing control-Y can land you in the rut to end all ruts. I wrote this five years ago about being an older worker, a story that kicked off my latest incarnation in column writing: “You might have even developed a particularly nasty habit: hanging out with people who are just like you. Same age, same sex, same race. There’s no sexual tension, no racial tension, no paying attention.”
But here are three examples where control-Y changed my life for the better:
Traveling alone. When I was young and single — really, really single — I decided to take an overseas vacation alone rather than waiting for Ms. Right to come along. I did the same thing the next year and the next year and the next, to different places (and continents) each time. Then I met Ms. Right, but I doubt that I would have been right for her if I hadn’t grown through all that travel.
Inviting two colleagues to lunch at once. This smooths over any age gaps, helps the conversation flow and makes it clear you’re not asking for a date.
Following up. Have you ever told someone, “We should grab coffee sometime”? We all have. And we’ve all had them fall through, because of phoniness or inertia. Now I make it a point to pursue it. Sometimes it flops, but it also led me to one of my best friends. Well worth it.
Murphy Slaw
Something old: This pretty well sums up our presidential election. Sigh.
Something new: Yes, people at senior centers do jigsaw puzzles all the time, but one with 60,000 pieces? A group in Utah did just that, and came up with a way to fight loneliness while they were at it.
Something borrowed: If you’re looking for another control-Y, consider what this woman did for her 70th birthday: She joined in lots of fun experiences with friends, usually one on one.
Something blue: The only blue in this is a couple of countries, but it also blew my mind. Close enough.