A canary in the dementia coal mine
Don’t be so worried about your memory that you forget about your behavior
One of the greatest parts of retirement is also its most dangerous.
You can suddenly stop worrying about things like alarm clocks and long hours and office politics. The only people you have to answer to are the ones you want to answer to. You might even get a mug like this:
That’s all wonderful — potentially. Where the danger comes is if “zero fucks given” leads to zero thought given, zero compassion given, zero love given. You become so determined to speak your mind and have no filter that you don’t notice all those loved ones and acquaintances who are slowly backing away.
The New York Times reported years ago about a group of neuropsychiatrists and Alzheimer’s experts trying to establish a diagnosis of mild behavioral impairment. “The idea is to recognize and measure something that some experts say is often overlooked: Sharp changes in mood and behavior may precede the memory and thinking problems of dementia.”
In this video, Dr. Zahinoor Ismail of the Hotchkiss Brain Institute at the University of Calgary outlines five domains of that impairment that are being studied: psychosis; weaker impulse control; apathy; social awkwardness; and mood changes like anxiety or depression.
When you have something wrong with your brain — and we all do — there are often ways around it, whether you’re a socially awkward genius or an anxious superstar. We all get depressed, but can usually stop it from becoming Depression. That’s also how we can fight off dementia.
But first we need to connect some dots. Suppose you prided yourself on being the sharpest knife in the drawer, but now you’re starting to feel like a pair of children’s scissors. Maybe you get angry and move to Zero Fucks Given Island. Or you get embarrassed and stop seeing people. Or the thought of going just about anywhere is overwhelming. Nastiness, awkwardness and apathy make for one ugly triangle.
Now consider that the risk factors for dementia include depression, inactivity and limited social contact. Dot. Dot. Dot.
That leads us to the most dangerous dot of all: loneliness. As the surgeon general reports, “Chronic loneliness and social isolation can increase the risk of developing dementia by approximately 50% in older adults, even after controlling for demographics and health status. A study that followed older adults over 12 years found that cognitive abilities declined 20% faster among those who reported loneliness.”
You can read about dementia and its warning signs and even managing some of the meanness, and there are all sorts of podcasts, including one hosted by a man diagnosed with dementia in 2020. But the best thing all of us can do is listen to people like Ismail and watch for early warning signs in ourselves and others, then make damn sure they don’t lead to isolation.
If you’ve mentally moved to Get Off My Lawn Acres, for example, realize that you might be more sensitive to noise and commotion than you used to be. Instead of confronting your normally reasonable neighbors, put on your noise-canceling headphones, listen to some music and email a friend.
Maybe even listen to a lyric from Ice Cube: “You better check yo’ self before you wreck yo’ self.” If you repeat a story or forget a detail now and then, people will roll with it. But if you keep turning routine interactions into confrontations, they’ll head for the exits.
Make a vow with loved ones to be honest if something seems off. ’Tis nobler to be called on your bullshit than never to be called at all.
As you age, big family gatherings, festivals and even houseguests can feel overwhelming. That’s understandable — and dangerous. Avoid too many of those things and you’ll be dotting your way to dotage.
So find alternatives. Arrange small gatherings at quiet cafes. Use Zoom or FaceTime. Take a class. Walk with a friend. Text. Email. Go to a senior center. Join a health club. Send an audio message. Take the initiative. This podcast explains how people with dementia and caregivers can find new friends, but many tips could apply to all of us.
Think of life as a bell curve: The closer you are to age 50, the more adept you are in a wide range of social situations. You’ve probably worked with people much older and younger than you, and could be pretty well settled into your family, career and home. Certainly some of us will still be socially awkward, but 50 is about as good as we’re going to get.
Think about yourself at 25. Even if you had great friends your own age, you might have felt like you were at least a $200 Uber ride away from having your shit together. You had to grow into the person you eventually became, to find the right people for shaping the rest of your life.
Now think about yourself at 75, at least a $200 Uber ride away from having your shit together. Once again you’ll have to grow into the person you’ll eventually become, to find the right people for shaping the rest of your life.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with giving a fuck.
Murphy Slaw
Something old: Longtime Hollywood writer and director Billy Wilder — known for “Some Like It Hot,” among other things — had a way with words, even in death.
Something new: If you’re looking for a mental challenge that takes only a few minutes a day, a New York Times game called Connections might help. You have 16 words to sort into four groups of four, and some could fit into various categories. In this, for example, “cobbler” could be a dessert or an occupation. Where does it belong?
Something borrowed: In this story, people talk about their biggest career mistakes and what they learned from them. Maybe you’ll learn something, too.
Something blue: Maybe not everything sounds better in French.