Feeling lonely? You’ve got company

Isolation is a different sort of deadly epidemic

During his first stint as U.S. surgeon general, Dr. Vivek H. Murthy made a dangerous mistake. He overlooked a crucial part of his life.

Friendships.

It caught up with him in 2017, when he lost that job. “Even when I was physically with the people I loved, I wasn’t present — I was often checking the news and responding to messages in my inbox,” Murthy wrote in the New York Times. “After my job ended, I felt ashamed to reach out to friends I had ignored. I found myself increasingly lonely and isolated, and it felt as if I was the only one who felt that way.”

With a job regained and lessons learned, Murthy has come out with a powerful report about just how deadly loneliness and isolation can be.

“When people are socially disconnected, their risk of anxiety and depression increases,” Murthy wrote in the Times. “So does their risk of heart disease (29 percent), dementia (50 percent), and stroke (32 percent). The increased risk of premature death associated with social disconnection is comparable to smoking daily — and may be even greater than the risk associated with obesity.”

COVID certainly exacerbated the problem, but people have been growing increasingly isolated for decades.

“Americans spent about 20 minutes a day in person with friends in 2020, down from 60 minutes daily nearly two decades earlier,” the Associated Press reported. “The loneliness epidemic is hitting young people, ages 15 to 24, especially hard. The age group reported a 70% drop in time spent with friends during the same period.”

It isn’t just about being alone. Some people embrace “me time,” while others are lonely even at shopping malls or workplaces or schools because they don’t feel connected with anyone.

In this podcast, Marisa G. Franco describes how loneliness has many hidden symptoms, from grumpiness to anxiety to cynicism. “It’s so much more complex than I think we think it is, to even recognize and realize that we’re lonely,” said Franco, a psychologist and author of “Platonic,” a book about making friends.

This mental health piece I wrote for the San Francisco Chronicle just before the pandemic steals a quote about chronic loneliness from AARP magazine.

“Putting lonely people together to make friends doesn’t work, for two reasons,” Stephanie Cacioppo of the University of Chicago says in the story. “First, loneliness increases self-centeredness. And second, loneliness makes people more irritable and defensive. If you put two lonely people together, they’re going to hate each other after two minutes.”

She said people want someone with similar values and experiences. “We all need a witness to our lives and people to look after. Our survival and well-being depend on our collective well-being, not our individual might. Which is why something like volunteering — helping others — really helps.”

Loneliness can be a vicious circle. “People that are lonely report thinking people are rejecting them more than they actually are,” Franco said. “People that are lonely report liking their roommates less, liking humanity less, having less compassion for other people, referring to themselves more in conversation, being more hostile and punishing toward someone that has critiqued them.”

“I may be lonely, but I’m never alone.”

— Alice Cooper, “I Never Cry”

You can find tons of songs about loneliness — and people trying to numb it with anything from one-night stands to bottles of whiskey — but most are about losing (or not having) a romantic partner. When people don’t have That Special Someone, it’s easy to overlook how wonderful other friendships can be.

“Even though they do have connection in their lives, they don’t recognize it as such,” Franco said. “And because loneliness is a subjective experience, where it’s all about how we perceive our connections more so than whether we actually have them, single people are going to feel lonelier because they have this form of connection that we think doesn’t actually count as connection.”

We covet the things we don’t have, whether it’s finding soulmates or being accepted by the cool kids in elementary school. Social media can feed those insecurities, and Murthy said 40% of kids from 7 to 12 are on one site or another — even though the minimum age is supposed to be 13.

“Kids tell me three things very consistently about social media,” Murthy says in this podcast. “They say it makes them feel worse about themselves, as they’re constantly comparing themselves to other people online. It makes them feel worse about their friendships because they see their friends constantly doing things without them. But it also is something they can’t get off of.”

Don’t make social media the scapegoat for loneliness — couch potatoes have being isolating themselves to watch TV for decades, and mental health demons have been around forever. Focus instead on what you can do, including limiting your time on social media if it causes more pain than pleasure.

This Washington Post column has good strategies. My favorite: Don’t delay socializing until you lose weight or feel less stressed or get in a better mood. Just. Do. It.

And don’t think that because you have a soulmate, the path to platonic relationships should be closed. “If you have friends,” Franco said, “not only do you become less depressed, but your spouse also becomes less depressed.”

We’re shaped by our experiences, she said. “People that have had these healthy, positive relationships, they become securely attached, which means they don’t take things very personally, they assume that people like them, they assume people are trustworthy. They’re like optimistic, but not Pollyanna.”

Those with less-stellar experiences might be anxious, trying too hard and often feeling let down — or they can try too little, regarding others with suspicion. The vicious circle strikes again.

So why even try? Because people probably like you more than you think. Give them a chance.

The smartest thing I’ve done in life’s final trimester was ask a female colleague half my age if we should invite an even younger colleague out for her birthday. Both said yes. God knows why. But it changed my attitude, and my life.

If one question can do that for me, don’t ask why. Ask yourself: Why not?

Murphy Slaw

Something old: Kermit the Frog first appeared 68 years ago this week. That’s good enough for me. (Editor’s note: Dave is absolutely NOT implying that 68 is old for a human. Just for a frog. A Muppet frog. Honest.)

Something new: If you know a Millennial woman named Connie, she’s probably Asian American. The New York Times explains.

Something borrowed: For Warriors fans desperate for a win tonight — or corgi fans who don’t give a flying rat’s ass about basketball, for that matter — this video may bring you joy.

Something blue: Criminals are getting more adept at using deepfakes, making calls to people that sound like they’re coming from loved ones. Loved ones who need money, of course. This Los Angeles Times story has tips to avoid being scammed, like having a code word that only family members know.