How to get by with a little help
If it’s like you’re always stuck in second gear, then shift your habits
Because I’m incredibly weird, a Washington Post podcast on friendship reminded me of Jerry Seinfeld and Hannibal Lecter. OK, it also reminded me of a college friend, so let’s start with him.
Joe Krumm wrote a newspaper column about four often-dreaded words — “let’s just be friends” — and how our desire for romance makes us underestimate the value of a true friend (not a mere buddy or pal or acquaintance). He would have loved part of this podcast, which explains that the phrase “platonic love” reflected Plato’s vision of “a love so powerful it transcended the physical.”
The Post’s Teddy Amenabar, who spoke to a bunch of experts for this story, brought up lots of good points on the podcast. Here are three favorites:
“Larger social networks lower our risk of premature death in the same ways that exercise or dieting do — if not more than both those activities.”
We aren’t as open to finding new friends as we could be.
“We just often assume that people don’t like us.” We resist being vulnerable (my word), so we don’t make the first move or follow up by saying how much fun we had. “If we have a budding friendship, it’s important to tell somebody that we value them or that we think we’re having a good time with them because that’s both appreciated and also is a great way to get to a close friendship.”
Studies show that friendships help longevity in ways that families don’t. Even wonderful families have heavy-duty issues, but most friendships are basically play dates. Even if you talk about “everything,” you probably don’t have to resolve dilemmas the way families do.
We often overlook potential friendships with people we see frequently, like co-workers, neighbors, members of the same gym. I’m sure shyness has a lot to do with it. It’s easy to feel vulnerable when you make the first move.
But you and those not-exactly strangers might have more in common than you think. Just past the 90-minute mark of this great podcast, author Johann Hari describes how people in a Berlin housing project stood up for themselves, thanks partly to the bond between a devout Muslim woman in a wheelchair and a miniskirt-wearing punk squatter.
If Amenabar and Hari can’t convince you, try Hannibal Lecter. I’m not suggesting you include fictional cannibals on your list of friends, but Lecter points out in “The Silence of the Lambs” that people often covet the things we see every day. In a gentler and less serial-killer-related sense, others can grow on you: their sense of humor, way of thinking, compassion, whatever.
Here’s a crazy thought: You just might grow on them, too.
If even inviting a colleague for coffee scares you, try asking two — or a small group. It can be as simple as a Slack message: “Getting coffee. Anyone want to join me?” You won’t feel vulnerable, no one will feel harassed and you just might find a kindred spirit.
Don’t underestimate the importance of friendship horseshoes, either. If you think someone would fit in well with your group of friends, invite them in.
Even if no one happens to click with you, you might help others make friends, which is worth its weight in karma.
Once you do make friends, think of Jerry Seinfeld confronting a rental-car clerk on his sitcom. Even though he made a reservation, there was no car for him. “You know how to take the reservation,” Seinfeld tells her, “you just don’t know how to hold the reservation. And that’s really the most important part of the reservation: the holding.”
Making friends is a gift; keeping them is a treasure. Certainly you can lose friends because of death or a falling out, but often it’s because one or both of you just stops trying. Schedules get hectic, plans get canceled, you simply grow apart. Maybe you vow to get back in touch when the smoke clears, but weeks turn into months or years and awkwardness sets in. So you never do.
Two thoughts:
Hold your damn reservation.
“Never” doesn’t have to mean never.
Sometimes the best protection against falling out of touch is a calendar. If you and your friends are having a great time, set up a weekly group chat, a monthly lunch, a quarterly Zoom, whatever. The schedule can always be tweaked, but it helps you conquer the inertia monster.
If all else fails, appreciate this: Unless something nasty occurred, friends will welcome you back, even if you’ve lapsed for months or years or decades. And yes, that includes pals and buddies and even friendly co-workers.
So break the ice and make that call or send that email or wish them a happy birthday on Facebook. As Joe wrote all those years ago, we should never put a “just” in front of friendship. We shouldn’t put shyness in front of it, either.
Murphy Slaw
Something old: Happy 50th anniversary to hip-hop from me and my hip replacement. No, 50 is not old, but that joke is.
Something new: A recent Gallup survey found that only about 20% of workers have a workplace “best friend,” and the percentage has been dropping for those under 35 as more people work remotely. Here’s my take from 2021 about work spouses and what people are missing.
Something borrowed: Great “Saturday Night Live” skit on how so many movies these days get streamed — and unseen.
Something blue: I think the shoe in this one is blue. Even if it isn’t, this will probably make you smile.
I went to St. Roberts with Joe Krumm. Nice guy. I read on the St Roberts alumni list that he passed away. I remember a report he gave on Janis Joplin once in 7th or 8th grade. It struck me at the time that it was "hippy" music. LOL. Happy Friday my friend.