Making lemonade is complicated

I know what to do when life gives you lemons, but …

Consider this note to an advice columnist: “I’ve been planning a vacation with a few friends for several months. The group is a mixture of singles and marrieds, and two of the couples have one small child each. In planning this trip, the parents all said upfront that they were going to leave the kids with grandparents.”

But two weeks before the trip, one couple’s babysitters fell through, so they decided to bring their kid. Then the other parents decided to bring theirs, maybe so the first child would have company. So both couples will probably spend more time away from the main group, disappointing Letter Writer even though she loves the children.

“The money is already spent, and I am sensitive to making the parents feel bad or abandoned. But I feel as if my trip has been ruined in advance. What’s the right move here?”

Even Washington Post columnist Carolyn Hax struggled with this one. And why not? There is no right move. “I think the best of these bad options is to talk to your friends about making this trip as close as possible to the one originally conceived, but it’s delicate and will depend on the quality of the friendships and thickness of everyone’s skin. And openness to changes.”

Consider the trip as a metaphor for all sorts of aspects of your life. You craved a quiet weekend and your partner invites friends over. Your career path is suddenly filled with boulders. Your child or spouse grows distant. You need to relocate.

What’s the right move here? It might involve poker. We’ll get to that in a minute.

Letter Writer could have helped Hax by offering more details: How many people are going? Sounds like at least nine. Is she close to everyone equally or closer to the parents? How much does the trip cost and how much of her deposits would she get back? How would she feel if someone else dropped out?

She doesn’t even describe the type of trip. A communal home, where everyone is pretty much underfoot? A cruise, where there’s separate cabins and lots of places to be alone? A mysterious island, where the guests disappear one by one?

Let’s talk cold, hard cash for a minute. Suppose the trip would cost her $5,000 or she could back out and lose $1,000 in deposits. If LW really thinks the trip is “ruined,” then it’s not worth the extra $4,000, so she should spend her time and money elsewhere rather than be a victim of the sunk cost fallacy.

But it ain’t that simple, is it? That’s when a poker term comes in: pot committed.

It basically means that sometimes you should keep playing a bad hand because your slim chance is still better than folding. If LW stood to lose $4,000 in deposits, it makes a lot more financial sense to risk taking the vacation. Despite her pessimism, there’s a chance the vacation might pleasantly surprise her, and she has little left to lose.

If you’re over 45 and haven’t saved much, you’re probably pot committed to your career. You might change jobs or moonlight or start your own business, but shifting to a new field usually requires a bigger stack than you have.

You know a better example of being pot committed? Friendship.

The closer friends you are, the more you’re both committed to the relationship. If things fall flat on your first date (romantic or platonic), there might not be a second. If it’s your 10th date, maybe you see a flashing yellow light and ease off a bit. If it’s your 100th, you probably shrug it off unless it’s egregious.

I’m guessing that’s what happened with LW. It sounds like both sets of parents were trying to make the best of a difficult situation, and for her to back out would feel like piling on. Her decision involves another poker situation I wrote about before: the risk/reward ratio.

LW is so focused on what she’s risking — her time and money — that she’s underestimating her potential rewards. Assuming they aren’t narcissists, the parents probably feel awkward and maybe a little vulnerable over disrupting the vacation plans. They probably could use a friend.

If it’s obvious that she’s on their side, LW has the power to help the parents feel at ease, ensure that everyone’s vacation plans hit only a couple of speed bumps rather than dead ends and earn a truckload of karma points. Maybe she’ll channel her inner Mary Poppins and discover that her “ruined” vacation turns out to be the best one she ever had. What are the odds?

And if the parents won’t play along and end up in a cocoon, she still has at least four other people she can hang out with, so maybe she’ll grow a couple of other friendships. If all else fails, she can put on some headphones and go for a walk, maybe even listen to some tune about taking a sad song and making it better.

LW also might be underestimating her other risks. If she backs out, the other vacationers would understand, but still might feel like she let them down. When the going gets tough, LW runs for the hills. An even bigger risk: She shows up as Debbie Downer, determined to tell all she meets just how miserable of a time she’s having.

When life gives you lemons, you don’t have to shove them up everyone’s ass.

Playing a bad hand well is one of life’s most useful skills. We all have painful losses — a job, a loved one, a dream. If you handle a tough situation with aplomb instead of a bomb, people will remember. So will you.

If you can’t channel your inner Mary Poppins, consider Mister Rogers. “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news,” Fred Rogers once said, “my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’”

If you can be a helper when times are rough, it just might help you, too. If not, put on those headphones again and maybe this song will put your trauma into perspective — or at least leave you humming.

Murphy Slaw

Something old: Have a case of Beach Boys nostalgia? This’ll probably take care of that, thanks for There I Ruined It, who makes it sound like the Boys are adding their own stylings to Jay-Z’s “99 Problems.” The TikTokker has lots of musical combos, thanks to the magic of AI.

@thereiruineditDifferent eras, same misogyny. #99problems #beachboys #jayz #ai

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Something new: Yes, a picture is worth a thousand words — or maybe $820,000. This probably tells you all you need to know:

Something borrowed: This Washington Post newsletter warns of a scam that hits air travelers: When you’re searching for airline contact numbers — maybe because you’re panicked over your flight — make sure the Google results don’t direct you to bogus sites, where people would just love to take your credit card info.

Something blue: Does the famous little blue pill reduce men’s chances of getting Alzheimer’s? Maybe, but you might want to take it with a grain of salt. Researchers in a huge British study found that the men who were prescribed Viagra or a similar drug had an 18% lower risk of developing Alzheimer’s than those who didn’t take those meds.

Why the grain of salt? It might be that the sexually active men were simply healthier than the others to begin with, and that might lead to closer relationships and a more active social life, too, which can reduce the likelihood of Alzheimer’s.