Text me Ishmael

Patience and empathy can keep you from being a mopey dick

We have millions more ways to communicate that we ever did before. Which means, of course, we have billions more ways to screw things up. And boy, do we.

Besides the old-fashioned strategy of speaking on the phone or the ancient approach of actually talking face to face, we can text or DM on social media or send notes on Slack, all offering the opportunity for people to respond promptly and easily.

Or not.

When I text, sometimes it feels like death by a thousand neuroses. If someone doesn’t respond in a couple of hours (even a good friend), I’ll reread my text to make sure I didn’t inadvertently say something insulting or particularly stupid, then wait it out with all the calmness of an unfixed junkie while the recipient is doing something silly like working or having a life instead of answering my not-even-slightly-urgent drivel.

A pathetic example: After a nice lunch, two much-younger female colleagues and I agreed to do it again in three months. Meanwhile, a larger group of us started having monthly lunches or happy hours. When the three months were up, I sent the colleagues a Slack message saying I’d still love for the three of us to have lunch, but I’d understand if they wanted to skip it because we were having the bigger gatherings.

No response. I understood, but felt a little sad because I’d grown to see them as friends, not just colleagues. They both did enjoy the lunch, right? Right?

If only I’d had Rebecca Welton to sing to me. Here she reassures Ted Lasso after he sent her “12 unanswered texts, three un-ha-ha-ed GIFs” that all is well — except that her cellphone is at the bottom of an Amsterdam canal.

Texting is so fleeting that it’s easy to forget there’s a person on the other end, complete with emotions (and emotional baggage). If you text a loved one with “call me as soon as you can,” you can trigger an anxiety avalanche. Is someone dead? Hospitalized? Marrying Elon Musk? At least add words like “nothing wrong” or “I’m trying to arrange the party invitations.”

This story offers good tips about texting before you call someone (almost always), leaving voicemails (almost never) and strategically using voice memos and video voicemails.

“Anything requiring nuance like opinions or emotional matters are best done over the phone, including arguments, catching up or connecting on a personal level,” the story suggests. “Factual updates, coordinating plans or anything that is more cut and dried often work best in writing. If something is complicated and will drag on too long as a text chain, go ahead and ask if they can talk.”

Unknowns can be a 24-hour buffet for our fears and insecurities. Ask anyone with a teenager or elderly parent. Or someone who wants a second date.

So before you send a cryptic text or dawdle about replying to someone, flex those empathy muscles, especially if they seem vulnerable. Maybe they sent that text in 10 seconds; maybe they agonized over it for 10 hours. Even something simple — “crazy day … I’ll get back to u tomorrow” — can ease the angst.

While you’re at it, appreciate that you’re not the grand poobah of text etiquette, so some people might take a day or two to digest things before responding, or write something that would make your English teacher’s skin crawl, with haphazard capitalization, unconventional spelling, over-the-top emoji and mystery ellipses.

Since texting has become the communication world’s coin of the realm, these etiquette tips from experts might help you get around a little better. And while you try a little tenderness, practice a little patience, too.

Here’s how that story begins: “Lizzie Post once sent a text message checking in on a friend with a new baby. The response came late — a full year later.”

The Slack message I mentioned had a response, too — a much faster one. The next morning, both young colleagues said they’d love to have another lunch, which we did. I had gotten into a mini-funk for nothing.

In the years since, as I’ve grown slightly more patient and microscopically smarter, I’ve realized that they probably wanted to talk with each other first, so that neither would face having a one-on-one lunch with a guy twice her age. If I were under 30, I might not want lunch with a 60-year-old, either. Or at least I’d want to think about it. Age gaps scare a lot of people, in both directions.

Sometimes the best way to read a text is between the lines. Even if there aren’t any.

Murphy Slaw

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