The wisdom (and emotions) of crowds
Sometimes we need a good tip. Other times we can use a good cry
Every few months I come across enough great threads on social media that I can’t suppress my urge to steal, often tossing in my two cents to pollute the waters. You can find other examples in this column and this one. Here goes:
The thread has a lot of the usual suspects: “Steel Magnolias,” “Beaches,” “Life Is Beautiful,” “P.S. I Love You,” “Brian’s Song,” “Ordinary People.” Some other suggestions (quotes are verbatim, except for adding quotation mark around titles):
“Harold and Maude.” It’s a whole therapy session of emotions.
If you want to really end up a mess, “Grave of the Fireflies.”
“Return to Me” with Minnie Driver and David Duchovny. You’ll be crying in the first 10 minutes. Then you will be so happy you watched the movie.
“Hachi: A Dog's Tale,” makes “Marley and Me” look like a comedy
In 2015 I watched seasons 1-10 of “Grey’s Anatomy” in a month and unblocked all kinds of emotions I hadn’t realized I was holding in
I watched “The Notebook” and cried for hours after finishing it. I hate that people recommended it to me. So… do with that what you will.
Unlike most of the posters, I cry more at things that are touching or bittersweet or joyous: the first 15 minutes of “Up,” the endings of films like “Sister Act 2,” “Cinema Paradiso,” “The Shawshank Redemption” and “E.T.” And, of course, “Coco” (spoiler alert, obvi).
A bunch of my favorite movie and TV scenes are here. Whether you’re in need of a good cry or an ugly one, I hope you’ll find something useful.
Besides the usual suspects — exercise, eat healthier, set up your finances, use sunscreen — this thread offers a few twists, such as:
If exciting opportunities come your way and you’re hesitating … take them! We always did and my other half died when we were 54…. so glad we always grabbed opportunities that were placed before us
Made the sacrifices to attend graduate school. I live my best life as an academic.
Recognize and own how beautiful you are. Looking back 20 years and thinking "Damn! I was gorgeous!" is silly. Do it now. See it now.
I resigned from my job aged 50 and moved to a new country to start a business. It’s not always easy, but it feels like an adventure. I’m so glad I had the courage to take that step.
Go visit friends, visit family, see the world, do cool shit with people you love, take pictures and actually get them printed and framed. It will mean 1000x more to you in your 60s than the big house or the expensive car you could have bought.
Best thing I did was to stop doing stuff because it was what society expected of me and rewarded me for and to start doing stuff that I was most passionate about, opinions of others be damned.
It’s really easy in your 40s and 50s to stop cultivating new relationships, especially with younger people. I’m certainly not talking about a 50-year-old hitting on a 25-year-old, but relationships with much-younger people can change your life — and you might not have those opportunities once you retire. If the prospect sounds intimidating, try a small group first.
I’d get my own wing in the Mansplaining Hall of Fame if I commented on this one, so here’s the thread. A few highlights:
1. If you are in that room you BELONG there. Take up the space. Imposter Syndrome is designed to hold us down. Don’t believe in it. 2. Heal your gut. Gut health is health. Period. 3. Rest is your right. Not a reward. Slow everything down so your nervous system can heal too.
Take time to live alone and enjoy life. Actually live, not exist.
From Shonda Rhimes: Never enter a negotiation you aren’t prepared to walk away from. No matter what’s on the table. If you don’t know your bottom line before you enter the room, you’ve already lost. Set your boundaries early, or trust that they will take you for everything you’re worth.
Please. Don't rush into love or the finding of "a right boy/Man/Partner." Stay focused on your passion, what makes you happy, & gives you peace. That, my Dear, will give you life. Your significant other will show up once you're truly pleased within.
It’s ok to start over...again and again.
Learn to be your own best friend, it sets the bar for how others will treat you. Set boundaries and embrace saying no. Do not ignore red flags of any kind. If they’re raggedy now and not actively working to change, they’ll be raggedy later and you will pay for it. See yourself out. Avoid small minded people. GO.TO.THERAPY.
I bet you find something you love and something you hate in this thread, which is fine. Grief hits all of us intensely, but in far different ways.
The best thing I ever came across was from a parent whose child had died. “Suppose somebody offered you a deal,” a loved one told them. “You can have this wonderful child, help them grow, teach them love, cherish their smile. But after 10 years, you have to let them go. Wouldn’t you take that deal in a heartbeat?”
Some people might find comfort in this poem or that poem or their religious beliefs. Others might be offended by the poems or my example or any mention of religion. It’s not an exact science. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. Consider these:
When my mom passed, at her funeral, I was hysterical. One of her friends came up to me and said “for us, this is a goodbye. You mom is sailing away from us into the sunset. But, there are people she is sailing to, people waiting for her. For them, this is a sunrise. They will see her and say ‘what took you so long, we’ve been waiting for you’. I know you only see the sunset— but for her, this is a sunrise.” that was the only thing that made me stop screaming. So, yeah. I think about it a lot.
“Tell me about him.” That was the greatest. People don’t know how to handle death and grief so they just change the subject or forego all mention of your loved one. The people that helped the most are the ones who remember that before my brother died, he lived.
“You gave him a beautiful life”
Lost my dad in 2017. I love it when people mention him, tell stories about him, laugh about something he did or said. Somebody told me that losing a parent bends gravity. It does.
“Mike was a pain in the ass, and I miss him.” Everyone was putting him on such a pedestal that I was starting to wonder if he was a completely different person with his friends than he was with me. And don’t get me wrong: I adored my husband. He was my other half and made me a better person, but he was not perfect. Someone admitting that they missed ALL of him, rough patches and all, settled something in me and made it easier to breathe.
Murphy Slaw
Something old: Ruth Buzzi, who died this month at age 88, did lots of stuff in her comedic career, but will best be remembered for skits like this one from “Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In.” The interactions between her character and Arte Johnson’s would never fly today for tons of reasons, but they deserve a special place in the hereafter.
Something new: The biggest role of a new parent is to look out for someone who can’t look out for themselves, but it sure as hell helps if someone is looking out for you, too.
My mom would have turned 109 this week. Instead, she’s 60 forever. But my very loosely defined and incredibly extended family added at least two kids this year, one to a first-time mom, the other to a second-timer. Here’s to all the moms, old and new, and to the ones who look out for them.
Something borrowed: The New York Times offered a fun challenge recently: Memorize “Recuerdo,” a 1919 poem by Edna St. Vincent Millay. “Learning a poem by heart doesn’t have to be drudgery,” part one of the five-part exercise says. “It can be a way of holding onto something beautiful, a morsel of verbal pleasure you can take out whenever you want.” Here’s a link to the story, including the passage below.
Something blue: Hearing loss increases the risk of dementia, but this thread has an intriguing idea that just might help.
There’s not enough in this person’s Threads bio to convince me that they’re an expert, but following the basic advice certainly wouldn’t hurt. She mentions some good sources: Duolingo, movies with subtitles, talking with a friend or reading aloud in another language. Others suggested learning American Sign Language or getting lessons through Superfluent or Mango Languages.